Rules of the South

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right; your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only three weeks a year.

6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish and crawfish. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah ... we don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and high school football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang sight more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities, universities, and vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump mess ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it any more than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

Letter from a farm kid in Marine Corp boot camp

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

Community service

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

HOW TO WRITE GOOD

by Frank L. Visco

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Promise from me

I was trying to post every day, but hubby's been ill.  He's been in the hospital twice in the last week.  He is doing a bit better and has been referred to a new doctor, so I have faith that he's going to be okay.

My promise to my readers is that I will post at least once a week, even if it is just a short funny.  Thank you for reading my blog.

Hugs
Kitty

Animal Funnies

Hubby's birthday|
Happy birthday to hubby, who is not doing well today. Planned lovely trip to see wildflowers but he's exhausted.

DIET FOR STRESS

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast: 
1/2 grapefruit 
1 slice whole wheat toast 
8 oz. skim milk 
Lunch: 
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 
l cup steamed spinach 
1 cup herb tea 
1 Oreo cookie 
Mid-Afternoon snack: 
The rest of Oreos in the package 
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream 
1 jar hot fudge sauce 
Dinner: 
2 loaves garlic bread 
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 
3 Snickers bars 
Late Evening News: 
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer) 
Rules for this Diet: 
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do. 
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. (Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.) 
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage. 
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. 
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories (Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes). 
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. 
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!) 
13. If you eat ice cream with a fork, it has no calories.

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

Whew...

I never realized how much work really goes into doing a site like this.  I have to say, though, that doing a long post, like the last one, allows me to laugh all over again at the pictures...  I've been collecting them for so long that I forgot a lot of them... You know, getting old isn't for sissies!  They say you lose 3 things when you get old; the first one's the memory...  and I can't remember the other two...

Cable has decided not to work right now.  At least we saw all of American Idol first.  Hubby's a cable tech, and he hates to work on our cable!  Daddy used to say, "Cobbler's children ain't got no shoes..."

Hopefully we can go for a scoot on the Harley this weekend and I can get some good pics of desert wildflowers to post here.  They are amazing!  Only last a little while, and the only time we see color in the wild around here.  Also going to try to find some cactus in bloom.

Well, keep the shiny side up, and the rubber on the road.  TTFN

Your signage sucks, Sir...