Clean Jokes

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!" The people clapped and were saying "Amen." And then finally, he concluded, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"
      As he sat down, the song leader then stood up quite cautiously and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

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Redneck Church

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," four guys stand up.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... on the opening day of deer season the church is closed.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of"
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy pick up truck.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
You know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear." 

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If Jesus had lived in the Southern part of the United States instead of Israel, I am convinced that we would be observing the Lord's Supper today with cornbread and ice tea. - Hugh Troyer 

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A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers', so I let it go." 

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The locked Car Door

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and immediately the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!" 

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The Horseriding Blonde...

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her
and unplugs the horse. 

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